Safety Procedures:

This photo  is absolutely incredible... it should be a poster for what not to do.

But can you tell what's wrong with it?

 

"Oh shit...."

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

Actual exchanges between pilots and  control towers




Tower:
 "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:
 "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"



Tower:
 "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA  2341:
 "Center, we are  at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower:
 "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?"



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long  takeoff queue:
 "I'm  f....ing bored!"

Ground Traffic  Control:
 "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown  aircraft:
 "I said I  was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
 "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:
 "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."



 

A student became lost during a  solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,  ATC asked,
 "What was  your last known position?" 
Student:
 "When I was number one for  takeoff."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
 San  Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not  able, take the  Guadeloupe  exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return to the airport."


My favorite.   
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance  in  Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German):
 "Ground, what  is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in  English):
 "If you want  an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in  English):
 "I am a  German, flying a German airplane, in Germany  . Why must I speak  English?"
Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent):
 "Because you lost the bloody war!"



Tower:
 "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern  702:
 "Tower, Eastern  702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: 
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?" 
Continental 635:
 "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and  yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers."



One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,
"What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with a real zinger:
 "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I'll have enough parts for another one."



The German air controllers at  Frankfurt
  Airport  are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's  gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following  exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:
 " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of  active runway."
Ground:
  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main  taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:
 "Speedbird, do you not know where you are  going?"
Speedbird
  206: "Stand by,  Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience):
 "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt   before?"
Speedbird
 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."



While taxiing at  London 's Airport, the crew  of a  US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came  nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the  US Air crew, screaming:
 "US Air 2771, where the hell are you  going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on  Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting  hysterically:
 "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US  Air  2771?"
"Yes,  ma'am,"
 the humbled crew  responded.
Naturally, the ground control  communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US  Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her  current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking:
 "Wasn't I married to you  once?"

 

 

Eddie laughs, Eddie sulks!

 

 

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.


This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just talked with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.
 

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (total silence)

 

Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman (submitted by Leigh)


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this - then get me a beer'.

 

 

 

A businessman took his allocated window seat on an aeroplane and a man in uniform sat down in the outer seat of the three and tapped his hand on the middle seat where upon a spaniel jumped up and sat in it.

The businessman looked curiously at the dog and its handler and asked why it was allowed on the flight. The man in uniform explained he was a security air marshal and the dog, called ‘Sniff’, was a highly trained sniffer dog. He said wait until we are in level flight and I’ll show you how ‘Sniff’ works.

As the aeroplane went into level flight and the seatbelt lights went out the guard said ‘Go find Sniff and the dog raced off down the aeroplane’. Searching around for some time it stopped, sat down, stared at a lady for a minute and came back to the handler where upon it put one paw on the handlers arm. The handler said to the businessman ‘He is telling me that, that lady is carrying ‘weed’ and I’ll arrange for security to search her upon arrival’.

Again he sent the dog off and after a while it stopped at a man’s side, stared at him for a while and then returned to the handler putting two paws on his arm. The handler then explained to the businessman that the dog was telling him that the man was carrying cocaine and again he would have him apprehended upon landing.

Lunch was served and the dog sat quietly in the seat. After lunch had been cleared away the dog was sent off again. The dog went right to the backend of the plane and was gone some time. It then came racing back, jumped on to the lap of the handler, licked him all over his face and put its paws tightly round the handlers shoulders. With that the dog trembled and did a huge No 2 in the handlers lap.

The businessman said to the handler, ‘What that’s all about?’

The handler took a big breath and said ‘I think he’s found a bomb’.

A particularly relevant joke for me because when we arrived in New Zealand a couple of years ago there was a delay in collecting our luggage. Waiting we were approached by a female security officer who said her female colleague who was a sniffer dog handler was concerned that her spaniel bitch was ‘Off the job’ because her dog had spent the morning working with a ‘very male’ Labrador. The office asked if she could place some contraband in our hand luggage to see if the dog could find it. The dog searched around for a while without success and in the end with three security officers was forcibly upended on our luggage before it found the items. Other passengers unaware of what was going on thought for a while we were going to be apprehended. My wife was not too pleased having a handbag full of dog slobber either!

Paul Clark
 

 

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.

The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.

The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's house apart!"
 

 

Top this for a speeding ticket…

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph! Their radar then suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then, a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had, in fact, latched on to an RAF’s ‘Tornado’ jet fighter, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint about the wrecked radar equipment to the “RAF Liaison” office.

Back came the reply in true laconic “RAF” style:

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your radar equipment, and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched.

 

Now Funnies by Mike:

Thank you Mike Aburrow for submitting these funnies!

 

 

The following little gem of toilet humour was discovered by Mike in the new club toilet!

You're Probably A Modeller If...

o                                Your wife comes into the room naked and asks if there is anything you want ironing, you hand her your latest completed airframe and return to the modelling board.

o                                You return home from a days flying with your model in bits, your wife howls wreaked another model have you darling, you reply NO it was a young lads at the club and I felt sorry for him so I said I would repair it for him.

o                                You build smaller models so that you can sneak them out to the car.

o                                Your wife is blow drying her hair, you see a power plant for an electric ducted fan model.

o                                Wife asks do you like her new stockings, you think great, that will filter my paint.

o                                You use wife's make-up to decorate your new pilot.

Thanks to Paul B.for these new addtions!


o                                You hold the plane between your legs to clear the engine for take-off, but tumbled on the elevator as you stepped back (SKC)

o                                You have ever glued both hands together with CA and had to use an Exacto knife in your teeth to cut them apart.

o                                You have taken your plane off and panic on the third circuit, when you realise that you haven't extended the transmitter aerial.

o                                You have built two right wings for a single wing plane.

o                                You will go flying when it's 30c but won't cut the grass for your wife `cause "it's too hot out there".

o                                You have grass stains on the knees of your favorite trousers.

o                                You wear goggles and a silk scarf around your neck driving to the field

o                                You plan your holidays using Fly-In schedules.

o                                You have used an old elevator pushrod to scratch your back.

o                                You shop Toy-R-Us for pilots.

o                                You can cover a prize-winning plane with Solafilm but can't iron your shirts.

o                                Your latest plane costed more than your wife's dish washer.

o                                You introduce your wife as your co-pilot.


o                                You get to the field and realise your transmitter is still on charge at home.

o                                You lean over your newly-finished plane to brush off a spec of dust and drop a screwdriver out of your shirt pocket that rips through the Solarfilm covered wing .

o                                You are making an inverted low pass and then pull "UP" on the elevator.

o                                You have fuel stains on your new trainers.

o                                Your O.S. engine purrs like a kitten but the family car will barely run.

o                                You see your wife ironing while wearing a thin nighty and it reminds you of the SolarTex job you need to finish.

o                                Your wife wants to buy a new car and the only thing you are concerned with is `will the back seats remove easily'.

o                                You have balsa dust on top of your living room furniture.

o                                You keep feeling for the trim tabs on your TV remote control.

o                                You have at least three planes in various stages of completion.

o                                The neighbour's kids come to you to help them with their school projects.

o                                Your kids borrow rubber bands from you.

o                                You think R/C flying should be an Olympic event.

o                                You have watched TOP GUN and IRON EAGLES more than ten times.

o                                You look for the servo linkage and antenna wire on every airplane in a movie.

o                                You have at least ten T-shirts with airplanes on them.

o                                You watch "Wings" on The Discovery Channel at least three times a week.

o                                You have ever taken your plane off with the ailerons backbacks and still landed it safely.


o                                On the way home from the model shop you spend ages peeling the price stickers off your new goodies just in case the wife sees them.

o                                You don't have joint accounts so she will not see the statements.

o                                I won it in a competition dear !

o                                I swapped it for that green plane dear........ (the one you wrote off last weekend)

o                                You don't tell her you had a bonus, its hidden inside the cowling

o                                Thanks to Trevor Wootton (who's done them all)

 

Aircraft maintenance, 2001

Below are problems allegedly noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight, plus the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem

Solution

 

 

Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.

Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

No 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Something loose in cockpit.

Something tightened in cockpit.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

Evidence removed.

DME volume unbelievably loud.

Volume set to more believable level.

Dead bugs on windshield.

Live bugs on order.

Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

IFF inoperative.

IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

That's what they're there for.

Number three engine missing.

Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Aircraft handles funny.

Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

Target Radar hums.

Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

 

 

Why I prefer my Heli to my wife:

1. A heli will kill you quickly -- a woman loves to take her time.

2. Helis can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. A heli does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. A heli does not object to a pre-flight inspection.

5. Helis come with manuals.

6. Helis have some weight limits.

7. You can fly a heli any time of the month.

8. Helis don't come with in-laws.

9. Helis don't whine unless something is really wrong.

10. Helis don't care about how many other helis you have flown.

11. When flying, you and your heli both arrive at the same time or no complaints.


12. Helis don't mind if you look at other helis, or if you buy
heli magazines.

13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your heli, they prefer it

 

Here are just a few more jokes and funny quotes about flying:

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

A man was caught in a flood. Two men came by in a boat to rescue him, but he waved them away shouting “No the Lord will save me”
One hour later another boat came along, but the man said “No the Lord will save me”
Eventually, a helicopter arrived but the man insisted, “The Lord will save Me”
Unfortunately the man drowned and at the gates of heaven he asked St. Peter “Why didn’t the Lord save me?”
St. Peter replied “for crying out loud, he sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?!”

 

Some more airline humour

Airline Announcements


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?’


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces

On a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, “Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

deadheading crew


Have you ever been on a plane and seen some uniformed pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which they're based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems, or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to catch a deadheading flight. And so begins our story...
While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags and ran to the plane.
As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting, "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't know she even knew how to start the engines!"
For a number of passengers it took quite some time before they realized they had been had by these jokers, you couldn't believe the startled looks on their faces!

Pilot flies better than driving
In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA:
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal..."

Machine u/s
After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!"

Do you know who I am
An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.


See This Red "S" On My Chest?

The rich-and-famous don't always succeed in flaunting the rules, as the world-boxing champion learned on one flight. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.
The champ replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"
Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied: “Superman don't need no airplane, either!"
The boxer buckled up without another word.

Forced landing
The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot.
"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.
The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

Which one would you choose ?
China in the eighties. A DC-3 loaded with tourist passengers starts up and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves the cockpit and addresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other plane!"
They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut down again. Captain addresses passengers again: "This plane more ill! We take first plane!"

building your own aircraft
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Gotcha!

innovation!
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

questions and answers
Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
A: The cockpit door!
Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate
Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?
A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.
Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?
A: By the bend of the earth!
Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?
A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?
Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......
A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

One liners
-Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbours think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have".
-Sign seen at refueling point: WARNING Do not operate any radio transmitter within 100 metres of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything..... the fuel is!
-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"
-Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.
-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
-Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business...is in the wrong business.
-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.
-A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
-Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
-The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.