is absolutely incredible... it should be a poster for what not to do.
But can you tell what's wrong with it?
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly
used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and
make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to
get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what
you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give
us another hint! We have digital watches!"
2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center,
we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
Ground Traffic Control: "Last
aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I
said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United
329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach,
I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
was your last known position?"
I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down. San
Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are
able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make
a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground,
what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If
you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I
am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"
702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower,
Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw
some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency
124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental
635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a
cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I
made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough
parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's
gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "
Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand
by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's
Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US
Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the
humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't
I married to you once?"
Eddie laughs, Eddie sulks!
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all
aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense
Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your
call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
I just talked with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too
good not to pass along.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace.
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll
Air Defense Radar: (total silence)
Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman
plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went
from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she
cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to
be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly,
he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at
a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this - then get me a beer'.
A businessman took his allocated window seat on an
aeroplane and a man in uniform sat down in the outer seat of the three and
tapped his hand on the middle seat where upon a spaniel jumped up and sat in it.
The businessman looked curiously at the dog and its handler and asked why it was
allowed on the flight. The man in uniform explained he was a security air
marshal and the dog, called ‘Sniff’, was a highly trained sniffer dog. He said
wait until we are in level flight and I’ll show you how ‘Sniff’ works.
As the aeroplane went into level flight and the seatbelt lights went out the
guard said ‘Go find Sniff and the dog raced off down the aeroplane’. Searching
around for some time it stopped, sat down, stared at a lady for a minute and
came back to the handler where upon it put one paw on the handlers arm. The
handler said to the businessman ‘He is telling me that, that lady is carrying
‘weed’ and I’ll arrange for security to search her upon arrival’.
Again he sent the dog off and after a while it stopped at a man’s side, stared
at him for a while and then returned to the handler putting two paws on his arm.
The handler then explained to the businessman that the dog was telling him that
the man was carrying cocaine and again he would have him apprehended upon
Lunch was served and the dog sat quietly in the seat. After lunch had been
cleared away the dog was sent off again. The dog went right to the backend of
the plane and was gone some time. It then came racing back, jumped on to the lap
of the handler, licked him all over his face and put its paws tightly round the
handlers shoulders. With that the dog trembled and did a huge No 2 in the
The businessman said to the handler, ‘What that’s all about?’
The handler took a big breath and said ‘I think he’s found a bomb’.
relevant joke for me because when we arrived in New Zealand a couple of years
ago there was a delay in collecting our luggage. Waiting we were approached by a
female security officer who said her female colleague who was a sniffer dog
handler was concerned that her spaniel bitch was ‘Off the job’ because her dog
had spent the morning working with a ‘very male’ Labrador. The office asked if
she could place some contraband in our hand luggage to see if the dog could find
it. The dog searched around for a while without success and in the end with
three security officers was forcibly upended on our luggage before it found the
items. Other passengers unaware of what was going on thought for a while we were
going to be apprehended. My wife was not too pleased having a handbag full of
dog slobber either!
Three guys are in a Cessna. The
first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a
bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He
sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her
dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing
his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on
my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick
were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on
the A1 Great North Road.
One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to
check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was
surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph! Their radar then
suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then, a deafening roar over the treetops
revealed that the radar had, in fact, latched on to an RAF’s ‘Tornado’ jet
fighter, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district,
approaching from the North Sea.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired
off a stiff complaint about the wrecked radar equipment to the “RAF Liaison”
Back came the reply in true laconic “RAF” style:
“Thank you for your message, which allows us to
complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the
tactical computer in the Tornado detected the presence of, and subsequently
locked onto, your radar equipment, and automatically sent a jamming signal
back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed
aircraft also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot
flying the Tornado recognized the situation, and was able to override the
automated defence system before the missile was launched.
Now Funnies by Mike:
Thank you Mike Aburrow
for submitting these funnies!
The following little gem
of toilet humour was discovered by Mike in the new club toilet!
You're Probably A Modeller If...
Your wife comes into the room naked and asks if
there is anything you want ironing, you hand her your latest completed airframe
and return to the modelling board.
You return home from a days flying with your
model in bits, your wife howls wreaked another model have you darling, you reply
NO it was a young lads at the club and I felt sorry for him so I said I would
repair it for him.
You build smaller models so that you can sneak
them out to the car.
Your wife is blow drying her hair, you see a
power plant for an electric ducted fan model.
Wife asks do you like her new stockings, you
think great, that will filter my paint.
You use wife's make-up to decorate your new
Thanks to Paul B.for these new addtions!
You hold the plane between your legs to clear
the engine for take-off, but tumbled on the elevator as you stepped back (SKC)
You have ever glued both hands together with CA
and had to use an Exacto knife in your teeth to cut them apart.
You have taken your plane off and panic on the
third circuit, when you realise that you haven't extended the transmitter
You have built two right wings for a single
You will go flying when it's 30c but won't cut
the grass for your wife `cause "it's too hot out there".
You have grass stains on the knees of your
You wear goggles and a silk scarf around your
neck driving to the field
You plan your holidays using Fly-In schedules.
You have used an old elevator pushrod to
scratch your back.
You shop Toy-R-Us for pilots.
You can cover a prize-winning plane with
Solafilm but can't iron your shirts.
Your latest plane costed more than your wife's
You introduce your wife as your co-pilot.
You get to the field and realise your
transmitter is still on charge at home.
You lean over your newly-finished plane to
brush off a spec of dust and drop a screwdriver out of your shirt pocket that
rips through the Solarfilm covered wing .
You are making an inverted low pass and then
pull "UP" on the elevator.
You have fuel stains on your new trainers.
Your O.S. engine purrs like a kitten but the
family car will barely run.
You see your wife ironing while wearing a thin
nighty and it reminds you of the SolarTex job you need to finish.
Your wife wants to buy a new car and the only
thing you are concerned with is `will the back seats remove easily'.
You have balsa dust on top of your living room
You keep feeling for the trim tabs on your TV
You have at least three planes in various
stages of completion.
The neighbour's kids come to you to help them
with their school projects.
Your kids borrow rubber bands from you.
You think R/C flying should be an Olympic
You have watched TOP GUN and IRON EAGLES more
than ten times.
You look for the servo linkage and antenna wire
on every airplane in a movie.
You have at least ten T-shirts with airplanes
You watch "Wings" on The Discovery Channel at
least three times a week.
You have ever taken your plane off with the
ailerons backbacks and still landed it safely.
On the way home from the model shop you spend
ages peeling the price stickers off your new goodies just in case the wife sees
You don't have joint accounts so she will not
see the statements.
I won it in a competition dear !
I swapped it for that green plane dear........
(the one you wrote off last weekend)
You don't tell her you had a bonus, its hidden
inside the cowling
Thanks to Trevor Wootton (who's done them all)
Aircraft maintenance, 2001
Below are problems allegedly noted by
U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next
flight, plus the replies from the
Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Auto land not
installed on this aircraft.
Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
left inside main tyre.
No 2 propeller
seeping prop fluid.
No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4
propellers lack normal seepage.
Something loose in cockpit.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
DME volume unbelievably loud.
Volume set to more
Dead bugs on windshield.
Live bugs on order.
Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
problems on ground.
inoperative in OFF mode.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
That's what they're
Number three engine missing.
Engine found on
right wing after brief search.
Aircraft handles funny.
Aircraft warned to
straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
Target Radar hums.
Radar with the words
Why I prefer my Heli to
1. A heli will
kill you quickly -- a woman loves to take her time.
2. Helis can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. A heli does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
4. A heli does not object to a pre-flight inspection.
5. Helis come with manuals.
6. Helis have some weight limits.
7. You can fly a heli any time of the month.
8. Helis don't come with in-laws.
9. Helis don't whine unless something is really wrong.
10. Helis don't care about how many other helis you have flown.
11. When flying, you and your heli both arrive at the same time or no
12. Helis don't mind if you look at other helis, or if you buy
13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your heli, they prefer it
Here are just a few more jokes and funny quotes about
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long
wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
“What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new
A man was caught in a flood. Two men
came by in a boat to rescue him, but he waved them away shouting “No the Lord
will save me”
One hour later another boat came along, but the man said “No the Lord will save
Eventually, a helicopter arrived but the man insisted, “The Lord will save Me”
Unfortunately the man drowned and at the gates of heaven he asked St. Peter “Why
didn’t the Lord save me?”
St. Peter replied “for crying out loud, he sent two boats and a helicopter, what
more do you want?!”
Some more airline humour
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
'Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?’
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
On a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the
smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you
can smoke 'em.'
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, “Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Have you ever been on a plane and seen some uniformed pilots sitting in the
passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or
another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which
they're based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the
industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems,
or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to
catch a deadheading flight. And so begins our story...
While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the
aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower
the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a
screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags
and ran to the plane.
As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle
shouting, "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't know
she even knew how to start the engines!"
For a number of passengers it took quite some time before they realized they had
been had by these jokers, you couldn't believe the startled looks on their
Pilot flies better than driving
In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before
taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA:
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please
remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a
complete stop at the terminal..."
After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally
came on the PA system and announced: "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine
that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew
is having to do it all by hand today!"
Do you know who I am
An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly
During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW
WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the
agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the
flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.
See This Red "S" On My Chest?
The rich-and-famous don't always succeed in flaunting the rules, as the
world-boxing champion learned on one flight. While the aircraft was pushed back,
the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.
The champ replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"
Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied: “Superman don't need
no airplane, either!"
The boxer buckled up without another word.
The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his
way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road.
With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas
station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot.
"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.
The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."
Which one would you choose ?
China in the eighties. A DC-3 loaded with tourist passengers starts up and is
about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves the
cockpit and addresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other plane!"
They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut
down again. Captain addresses passengers again: "This plane more ill! We take
building your own aircraft
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a
cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics
and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the
zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and
development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million.
The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
questions and answers
Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
A: The cockpit door!
Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate
Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?
A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.
Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?
A: By the bend of the earth!
Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?
A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?
Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......
A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there
to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
-Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as
much time off as my neighbours think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as
my wife thinks I have".
-Sign seen at refueling point: WARNING Do not operate any radio transmitter
within 100 metres of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything..... the fuel
-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"
-Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.
-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
-Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the
business...is in the wrong business.
-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was
once a captain.
-A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
-Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
-The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the
gear handle DOWN.